How to Order Iced Coffee In Sydney

Despite being known for melty weather, Australia doesn't really do cold drinks unless they contain at least 7% alcohol. First lesson of Australian coffee: They basically do not do drip coffee here. People might, might make drip coffee in thier homes, but no decent cafe offers it. "Cold drip" is on offer at a few high-end places, but the last time I ordered some I recieved five ounces of watery bullshit (Cost: $6 lol).



Many cafes have "iced coffee" on the menu. This is a lie. This menu item is a coffee frappe. A coffee frappe TRAP. It's coffee blended with ice cream and served with whipped cream. I am an ADULT, and thus I require my coffee and ice cream separatly and for different purposes. Don't fall for the iced coffee frappe trap unless you're actually 12, in which case, you do you.

Is trying to engineer an iced coffee at an Australian cafe worth it? Probably not, but I'm no stranger to wasting time & money.

Here are the steps you will need if you would like a coffee with a couple of goddamn ice cubes in it:

Step 1) Apologize for what you are about to do
Step 2) Ask, in a sing-songy tone, if it is even possible to have a "long black over ice."
Step 3)  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Step 4) Remember to add, because they will not inquire, "...and with a splash of milk, please?"
Step 5) Settle comfortably into your discontent because the coffee is not really that good and the ice will melt before you even get to work, but hey, *you're* the one who demanded this fucking monstrosity in the first place

Don't expect a special cup or a straw or whatever

 

Good luck.